Gr I started my Livejournal somewhere around 1999. One of my best friends from high school had lost her ex-husband to suicide and posted about it. I wanted a place to write, so I signed up and made.... one post.
Until there was a mass migration from message board I frequented (thanks, The Winter of Our Missed Content!) and I joined them. I found myself writing more, sharing the boredom of my day, chatting with friends, and, most importantly, making new ones. Gary poked me until I joined LJ Idol somewhere around season 3. And then I wrote more focused things - particularly regarding my two growing children.
That's also what caused me to stop writing. My life became hectic and insane. And somehow, all my creative outlets, including writing, fell by the wayside.
While I was on my way back from my mother's memorial, I was thinking about the changes that had happened to me in the last 20 years. And then
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gnomeangel posted their intention to participate speaking of just this thing. And it brought me back to thinking of those changes again.
20 years ago, I had a child that was less than a year old. I was just starting a part-time job for a background check company. I'd been in Nashville for a year, but I didn't have a lot of friends. I was hoping that work would change that. I was openly out as poly and was (I believe) flirting with a guy that became a long distance partner for awhile. My dad and step-mom were moving to the area, so I'd have family nearby. I was 32 years old, had energy and not a lot of pain, and was dreaming of the life my child would lead. I was hopeful and optimistic. I had ideas of where I'd be in 20 years, nebulous plans that I wanted to see happen.
Now, 20 years later, I'm looking back at how far I've come and how different my life is than I'd expected.
20 years ago, I mistakenly thought I had a son. I was dreaming of him being successful in school, going to college, and making his way in the world away from me. Now I know that my son is actually my daughter. She knew it somewhere deep inside long before she admitted it to anyone else. She was doing fairly well in school until COVID, when she got the relief from her social anxiety by doing school virtually. And then she went back to in person, and the social anxiety blossomed. She tried community college, but it didn't work for her. Now we're just hoping to help her find a job and pray that, someday, she'll feel confident enough to live on her own.
20 years ago, I knew I wanted two children. Ideally a girl and a boy, but healthy was more important. (I got both a girl and a boy, it just took a bit longer for it to happen.) My second child was born 2.5 years later. I had many of the same hopes and dreams for him that I'd had for my eldest. I had expected to have two kids in college at this time. We first found out that my youngest had Sensory Processing Disorder when he was 4. ADHD when he was 6. Autism when he was 9. He did well in school academically, but had a lot of challenges when it came to social. And I found it much harder to connect with him. Now he's a senior in high school. I learned the hard way with my eldest that trying to force in person schooling for the socialization was the wrong choice. For the last two years, he's been in a state-wide virtual school. And it seems to fit him better. Like his sister, I'm not sure if college is the path for him. I'm not sure what path he'll choose. We're still working on that.
20 years ago, I expected to be back in the northeast within 5 years. That was the plan. Come to TN, have my husband do his post-doc work at Vanderbilt, then get his own lab somewhere in the NE to be near more of our family. The problem came when he realized that he didn't really want to do bench science. We should have gone the teacher route. But he has found a job, still at Vanderbilt, where he gets to use his degree and doesn't have him spending 18 hours at a lab bench. He's been in his job for almost 17 years now. He likes it, but it's a small field, which makes trying to find a job at another university difficult. He has a tuition benefit for our kids, which is part of why we never seriously looked into moving before now. But now that it looks like neither of the kids want to choose that path, it opens things up a little. Over the last 5 or so years, I've wanted to move to the NE more than ever. TN is a hostile place for my daughter. And as much as I try to change things from the inside, it's getting disheartening to see her become othered. Add to that the fact that my dad and my step-mom both passed in the intervening years, and both our families are still in the NE. Plus I've got a long distance partner and my poly family though him, and it makes the NE look so much more inviting.
20 years ago, I was baby-poly, making all the baby-poly mistakes. But I knew that this was an important part of who I am, and I suspected that I'd have many partners over the years. I was half-right. In the beginning, I had several long distance partners. Honestly, I didn't know where to look for local partners, and I knew I had things in common with the long distance ones. But then came a 15 year hiatus. I hadn't met anyone online (in part because I was losing a lot of the time I'd once had to be online to raise the kids) and I wasn't looking locally. About 4 years ago, when my dad was in the hospital, I met someone that I was attracted to and, after much talk and figuring things out with my husband, started dating. I had a few casual dates, mostly local, one long distance. And then a steady partner for 9 months until... well, that's a story for another time. A few others that became friends more than partners. Now I'm part of our local poly community, with lots of friends within that group. I'm actually a volunteer with the group, which lets my bubbly personality invite more people in. My only local partner at the moment is my husband, but my formally local partner and I (the one I was with for 9 months) are in a long distance/comet relationship where we chat every day and see each other a couple times a year. I want another local partner, but I'm letting things happen naturally.
20 years ago, I'd started my part time job at the background check company. I was there for four years, including about a year where I was full time and my husband was a stay at home dad. Then I tried my hand at teaching at a local parents day out. I was there for about 3 years. In the last 20 years, I've learned that traditional hour jobs aren't something that works for me. Between depression and body pains, holding down a traditional job has been tough. So I've joined the gig economy, doing food deliveries when I've got the body and the brain to do so. It gives me spending money to travel and see the people I want to see.
20 years ago, I had far less pain. A bit of back pain, yeah. But the knees, the wrists, the ankles.... I chalk every one of them up to getting old and not taking care of myself. I'm trying to change that.
Sometimes I wonder if I was better off 20 years ago. In some ways, yes. I had far less pain. I had a baby to snuggle. My parents were still with me. I was writing and being creative almost daily. I don't know if I was happier, but I was different. But in other ways, no. 20 years has brought me experience. Given me a daughter and a son. Given me a closer, more open and honest relationship with my husband. Brought friends into my life that I never would have imagined having. Made me wiser. More compassionate. More sure of who I am. And I'm pretty happy with it. Especially now that I'm coming back to my creativity again.
